On Broken Dreams…

It is quite accurate- to observe a given situation from the inside-out…is indeed different from that of an outside-in viewpoint. Its perimeters are dissimilar and perhaps its clarity is contradictory and somewhat illusive. Question…question- …ever felt like your life was stuck on backspace, that every time you set off to type a new sequence to it…it then begins to cancel itself out automatically- way before you finish its very paragraph. Perhaps I am making no sense with this illustration…however I know of no other way to express it. Life is so constructed that an event does not, cannot and will not match the expectation…and sometimes, it has a funny way of reversing the expectation to exactly the opposite of what we hope for. I guess there are many of us stuck somewhere in the middle- in a place not of love, yet not of hate…not of joy, yet not of sorrow…not of understanding, yet not of ignorance. Again, perhaps my expressions make no sense…nevertheless; I cannot decipher what I cannot comprehend to begin with…

One Voice…

Time has been consuming. Work has been an overload. The days of bumming have come to an end…and blogging has all but taken a back seat on this ‘bus ride’ I call ~life~. I fear my time of “just trying it out” is slowly drawing to an end, but I remain adamant to pursue this interest to as far as it takes me. I conjecture, is my life so dull and dreary that nothing seems appropriate to put down in black and white. It’s rather contradictory really…so much has happened, yet nothing ever seems substantial. Am I missing a piece form a puzzle…or am I reaching down to the depths of a dry well. Regardless, I know well enough that not everything should be expressed in the galore of glory. They say that there’s a time and place for everything, and that actions and intentions do not always match…however, remain mindful that although I have said nothing, it does not mean I have nothing to say. I remain impotent only because I realize that any potential backlash on my behalf will cause definite detriment and repercussions- not on me, but on someone I deem worthy and care for. Therefore, it’s a matter of choice…it’s an acknowledgment of asserting what’s more important to oneself… and it’s an instance where sacrifice prevailed.

A Domino Effect~!

On a daily basis we own up to a million things…we speak, we listen, we acknowledge, we criticize, we reflect, and hope that at the end of it all…we gain a deeper understanding to the matter in question. But only when something is said so randomly and so decisively, do we begin to comprehend the lengths of its range and the magnitude of its severity. We live in a time where change is so rapid, that often times we begin to see it present only when it is already fading. A battle that one may never conquer is when he is up against history itself…and you’d think I should know that by now. It’s a domino effect really~!

The Fast Lane

I’m left wanting more, and I wonder why…but then again, why do I ask myself these questions when I already know its answers. I know well enough that I’ve planned nothing, but that doesn’t mean I’ve anticipated nothing. It’s funny how things work, and in this case…I’m happy with the way it’s shaping up. So what’s next I wonder…~hemmm~ …well, perhaps it is advisable to adhere with the rule of ‘Occam’s Razor’. Regardless, exciting times lie ahead. Bring on the weekdays~! 😀

When it Stops…

Ever found yourself chasing cars, an impossible dream, pink unicorns or even the hope of salvation that just seems too far away. Forgive my peculiar analogies, but the point I make is that whilst we strive to pursue this unfeasible intention, ask yourselves if you have ever come across a predicament where it is ourselves that suffers the most…sacrificing our wants, disregarding our needs, compromising our principles, ignoring our happiness…thus leaving our lives in an utter state of disarray and dismay.

As unfair as it seems, why do we still hold on and continue this self persecution, inflicting this constant pain and sorrow to our very self’s. I may never have a standard answer that would possibly satisfy everyone…but in many instances, I believe we do so all for the sole purpose that we simply care too much. Yes, caring too much can be detrimental. In a matter of opinion, this is of most detriment when we direct our care to those who simply lack care for us, and by the practice of the given act…we in turn begin to slowly, but surely care less and less for our own self’s.

Looking back on the years…I realize that perhaps I too may have subconsciously succumb to this illusion, or rather disillusion…creating a land of fantasy which disregards realism, all in the hope to comfort oneself. In this mystical land I speak of, we tell ourselves that we are doing the right thing…we use the term ‘compromising’ as our saving grace and we set out ~thinking~ that we’re happy. Yes, I’ve experienced the lot, and I guess it’s safe to assume that we’ve all experienced the aftermath of this specific event- the repercussions of a ~breakup~!

Albert Einstein once said; ‘reality is merely an illusion, albeit a persistent one’. I remain hesitant to comply fully, as I feel reality remains an illusion only if we remain naïve. With regards to certain experiences that I’ve been through, I truly believe that the luminosity of reality is most prominent when we hit rock bottom. It is only when we’re stepped on, torn apart and left to disintegrate in burning flames will our eyes see clearly…and it is at this point of time we discover ourselves and the people around us better. True friendships are affirmed and exposed…and only when we fall to pieces, can we truly discover what makes us whole. I bear witness that when it’s all said and done…we come out being a stronger, wiser and better person.

To a close friend of mine to whom I care for deeply…I would like to make known that during this difficult time that you are currently facing, I truly understand that there are indeed large areas of gray that diminish hope, optimism and understanding…but if there is one thing that I need you to understand is that you shoulder no blame…and even the mere contemplation of accepting blame is rather unseemly and somewhat criminal. Feelings are not supposed to be logical and it is never a crime to care for someone…but we must never forget to care for ourselves first and foremost, because ultimately, that is the one thing we have total control of. I shall highlight the fact that you are an awesome, awesome person…and chin up my dear…you’re a stronger person than you give yourself credit for. You do not walk alone…this much I assure you.

Choices, Choices…

Let’s assume that the number of choices one can reasonably make in life is infinite yet finite. Let’s assume that choices made in life derive monumental influences. Let’s assume that the choices we make subsequently shape our very being, dictating the essence of the lives we lead. In fact…let us assume nothing, nor disregard the magnitude of choices, but rather acknowledge its authenticity and validity…for it is by the gift of existence, that the curse of choice precedes us.

And so with each choice we make, moment by moment, in a vast thick cloud of decision-making, do we realize that with every choice there is an accepting of the chosen path, and the leaving behind of a road not taken…knowing, or rather; never knowing all the things that might have happened had we made a choice differently. The lives we choose to lead, the people we take comfort in, a growth of a relationship, a slender secret let out, anything that even remotely has an immense outcome on ones life for that matter…but perhaps, it is of most detriment that when we are presented with a choice, we choose to simply avoid making its decision…all for the sole purpose to preserve self denial, knowing well enough that when it comes to choices, the mind and heart may never fully coexist.

A choice is a risk, a risk that is followed by responsibility. Sometimes the known, however unsatisfactory, may be better than the unknown for those driven by fear…and by this fear, we set out portraying our plastic smiles…but when in fact, all there is- is self disguise. They say that the human heart is weak, feeble or even anemic… and that it is of great importance that we shield ourselves from choices which include elements of risks, but I put it to you… even when we try to avoid making choices by doing nothing, that by itself is a decision per se. I have no qualms in accepting that I’ve made a wrong choice in life, but I would hate to wake up one day and regret the choices that I’ve fail to have made. Aristotle went so far as to assume we will and must pursue more than thought itself, or we will die. “To do is to be”, he said…and if so, are we not really left with one notion of choice, and that is…

…This is where we examine ourselves and find an answer…

Heartbroken

What could have been. What should have been. To watch in sorrow. In painful misery to wallow. A 9 point gap that should have been established. A team of glory that should have flourished. Yet stolen away in its forth minute of gloom. By a French bastard’s head that brought doom.
My bleeding heart perched on my shirt. It hurts. It hurts.

Fear the Unknown…

[*this post will either make prefect sense or render total falsehood…(it depends really)*]

“Where would we be if throughout history, our greatest minds had feared that which they could not confirm? Embrace the unknown with caution, but not with fear.”

I exclaim the given quotation, as it delineates reality and depicts an understanding of perception. I say perception as often times fear is perceived as a dark and sinister sentiment that should be avoided in any and every circumstance. By and large, we find refuge in simply taking a step back when we are faced by potentially fearful situations, as the probability and perception of the unknown creates skepticism…skepticism which ascends into the inability to react, and thus, we choose not to go forth with its endeavor. In the classic Greek definitions (it’s amazing what I remember in literature classes), ‘horror’ is fear of the unknown, and if this is so, are we to be horrified of something before we even know there is something to be afraid of.

I often see it happen in various incidences around me…be it every student who ~fear the unknown~ results of an examination, friends around who ~fear the unknown~ repercussions and risks upon venturing into a new relationship with the opposite sex (or the same sex…*whichever suits your fancy*) or even the ‘terrified’ Americans on CNN who ~fear the unknown~ possibility of “war”!! Regardless, fear of the unknown somehow, in some way managed to cement a firm grip within us…and unfortunately, often times we allow the emotion to dictate our actions.

I divulge, I too suffer from this ‘disorder’ in more ways than one…and though I largely generalize, I’m also speaking in specifics about myself. I find it fascinating that we would rather not try something at all rather then try something and fail. If we tell ourselves and other around us that their best effort isn’t worthy enough, then aren’t we not perpetuating the same cycle of fear and guilt that has always been our biggest obstacle and merely expanding the given fear and mulish mind set in the process.

Therefore, perhaps fearing the unknown should transfigure into embracing the unknown with caution- as the earlier quotation suggests. Indeed, probabilities and possibilities of the unknown are vague, nevertheless, encompassing fear in the process would only cause further and likely detriment. Pure knowledge must be able to withstand the test of doubt, so they say…and thus, perhaps ~fear of the unknown~ is but a mere feeble illusion.

After Midnight

As most of you may know, I have a problem sleeping at night. My self diagnosis is that I suffer from insomnia. I’m normally awake wondering aimlessly around the house with no clue or direction of what to do. Sometimes if I’m lucky, I manage to learn new things about various ~stuff~…and today- just happens to be one of those days. Therefore, allow me to share in the knowledge and realization that I have attained;

i) Trying to trim your beard at 12.10am into a new style that you may have foreseen in your head…will only lead to disaster.
ii) I look funny with a mustache. *bring on the shaver*
iii) Watching Sportscenter for the third time in the space of five hours can be rather boring.
iv) Scaring your blind grandmother that you’re a ~burglar~ may not be as humorous as first assumed. There’s a high possibility that she will genuinely believe you…and turn fearful.
v) The fusion of (one sachet) lemon tea mixture with orange juice cordial does not go well.
vi) If you microwave cheese for the duration of 1 minute (in the hope to make dip for your chips)…it will consequently become ‘rock solid’, and you will have to throw the plate away- as there’s no way to clean the plate.
vii) (while throwing the plate at the outside bin) Kingsley’s next door neighbor may very well live a “healthy lifestyle”. Their bedroom light is still on at 2.45am. *wink*
viii) If you look closely at my carpet- you can see ~faces~
ix) I can only last for 2 minutes on the ab king pro (in one go)
x) My bedroom fan needs cleaning.
xi) Trevor gets grumpy when I start to sing…as my singing disturbs his sleep (he begins to mumble a sentence which ends with the words “enough la”)
xii) I feel there’s something missing/lacking in my life.
xiii) I have never attempted to fill in the “about me” section on friendster with information ~about me~…
xiv) Jumping as high as you can in the effort to touch the beams of the wall, results to a sprain leg.

Well, there you have it!! A fascinating and enthralling peek into the interesting night I endured. I think there’s a live football game going on now…so off I go~!! Cheers~!! 🙂

Right from Wrong…

In life, I have been taught that one should always speak his mind…to stand up and boldly profess his beliefs. As long as he has validity as a sword and conviction as a shield, any feasible battles that lie ahead are but mere formalities, as honestly and truthfulness will forever triumph. However, should we now face a circumstance where honestly and truthfulness is but a mechanism for blemish and distress…how would we then go forth in accreting a matter of such esteem. Do we set apart in disguise or do we go out with full force and make our feelings known, regardless of the reparations that may follow. If the opposing party was a rival, someone to whom we have already discerned as ‘insignificant’ in our lives, then perhaps the potential hurt inflicted on him/her may well be disregarded as we could comfort ourselves in the fact the he/she received his/her just reward. However, should the other be perceived ‘significant’ through our eyes, someone to whom we share a bond of care…be it a love one or a family member for that matter, are we to then address its dilemma in the same light? If we do so, we risk hurting the one’s we love, and would our action thereafter be deemed worthy?

It is important to have a self realization of the lines to draw and boundaries that should not be crossed…as well as to discern the magnitude of earnestly in given situations. It is said that maturity begins to grow when you can sense your concern for others outweighing your concern for yourself…but should a person continuously give, then perhaps he’ll end up scarifying his own principles. Being imperfect beings, it is quite impossible to enquire self satisfaction and satisfy others around us in one go…and perhaps, the two may never coexist (well, maybe not in every situation). Therefore, in the effort to stay true to oneself and establish character; I shall try to distinguish on when to appear ‘altruistic’ and when to portray ‘selfishness’…and hope to illustrate honestly and truthfulness in the process. Aristotle once said, “Anyone can become angry – that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way; this is not easy”. Keeping these words at the forefront of my mind, I set out with the hope to accomplish and fulfill my objective to the best I possibly can.